Life in Beta

I’m having a particularly melancholy day today. Though my last day at work isn’t until tomorrow, I cleaned out my desk today; almost three and a half years fit into two boxes. I’m an emotional sap, but it got to me. There are parts of me questioning that moving home is the right decision, but I have to go with my gut instinct. Maybe in a few years, I’ll return. (And the girls say I have to come back at least every three months to keep up my hair appointments with Benjamin…)

I guess I’m in need of a reminder of all the little things I love about home and all the little things I’m going to get to enjoy again. Just a few –

(1) Summers on Presque Isle. I think when you live in Erie your whole life, you don’t appreciate the beauty of Lake Erie or the peninsula. Leave for a few years and come back, and you’ll find yourself drawn there. I can’t wait to spend summers driving around the peninsula with the t-tops off the Z, then stop for a walk on the beach. Oh! And I must make a point of getting a fishing license for this summer!

(2) Enjoying the local wineries and Wine Fest. Northeast, PA has some amazing wineries and is particularly known for Concord grapes. It’s also home to Welch’s – as in, the grape juice and jelly company. Wine Fest, held every autumn, is the best way to sample all the local wineries all in one place. There’s also lots of great music and fun craft vendors.

(3) Getting to hang out with this guy. —>
He’s pretty darn cute and Gracie-dog seems to like him pretty well. Thinking I’ll keep him around for a while. (Ha ha.)

(4) Going to homecoming football games at my old high school. Everyone comes home for homecoming, but I haven’t been able to in quite a few years. Our high school football team rocked, and I was a varsity football cheerleader, so I guess I’m a die-hard fan. (I have a secret wish that if I ever have son(s) that they’ll play football at GM, or if I have girl(s), that they’ll be cheerleaders too.)

(5) Having an aquarium again. I know, very random. My mother has a 55-gallon fish tank with a nice oak stand just sitting in the basement because I asked her to hang onto it for me. I have grand plans for said tank, once I get settled into my new place.

(6) Photo adventures with my favorite partner in crime, Erica. When Erica still lived in Tennessee, we’d occasionally go on photo adventures (examples: one, two, three, four, five) — just load up the camera equipment and drive aimlessly until we found something interesting to take pictures of. Erica and her husband Alan moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania a few months back, so she’ll only be a couple hours away and has family in Erie, so you know we’ll be meeting up to recommence our excursions.

(7) Autumn in Pennsylvania — beautiful leaves, county fairs, pumpkin patches and corn mazes. There’s just nothing like fall back home. Crisp and cool and bursting with color.

(8) Fishing! I’ve lived on a peninsula for the last year here, but haven’t once gone fishing because I had no one to go with me. I’ve got plenty of friends and family eager to take me out back home. (I also may or may not have agreed to learn to hunt… but I have yet to decide whether I’ll stick to my word on that. Can’t quite feature myself stomping around in the woods wearing safety-orange…)

(9) Cool summer evenings. There’s nothing like a cool spring or summer evening on the lake. I’m looking forward to spending lots of summer nights at Kimberlee’s place, Rum Runner’s Cove, right on the water … sipping Rum Runners, of course. Who wants to join me?

(10) Most importantly, family. My entire family is back home. One of my biggest fears over the last couple of years was that I wouldn’t make it home to spend time with my grandmother. She’s suffering from emphysema and of course it is a disease that just gets worse, not better. I want to be able to treasure every moment I can with her. Of course there’s also my mom and dad, grandfather, and extended family that I want to make a point of getting closer with again. We’ve all gotten so distant in the last several years, and right now I feel like I need to draw them closer than ever. No time like the present to change things.

Once upon a zillion years ago, when I was a kid, my parents had a ugly plaid hand-me-down couch. When they had the opportunity, they got rid of that couch and replaced it with a newer, more stylish version. According to my mother, I pitched a fit over it. I cried and begged them to keep the ugly plaid one. I just couldn’t deal with the change. I like familiar. I like comforting. Even if it’s ugly and plaid.

I got the news yesterday afternoon. I got the job.

I’m going home.

I was excited to call my parents and grandmother to tell them I was moving home. They were overjoyed. My friends back home were thrilled at my news too.

However, I also had to break the news to my friends here in Tennessee. And today came the task of telling my boss and coworkers who are, for the record, the most amazing people I’ve ever had the pleasure to have worked with.

I just hadn’t anticipated that in the three years I’ve been here, that Tennessee would ever come to feel this much like home to me, or that my friends here would become every bit as much family as my blood relatives are.

I’ve been on the verge of tears more times than I’d like to admit. There are so many people here that I care so very much about — probably more than those people will ever know — and I’m going to miss them terribly.

But, it’s a new chapter in my life.

My hometown was definitely the plaid couch. (I’d never call it ugly, but perhaps a bit dated and certainly set in its ways.) Three years ago, I moved to Nashville kicking and screaming. I knew it was going to be good for me, but it was scary and new and I didn’t want to face it. But I wasn’t given a choice and I got through it. Now life in Nashville has become broken-in and comfortable, and here I am returning to trusty ol’ plaid Erie, PA.

It should be a comfortable transition, right?

But maybe it’s me that’s changed. The plaid couch, though familiar, just doesn’t feel the same way it once did. I don’t know where I fit. I guess maybe that’s the part that’s most scary. I want home, but does home want me? I know exactly what my niche is here in my little part of Nashville. I don’t know where to even begin carving out my niche back home. I know I can’t step back into the old life I had there — I can’t and I wouldn’t want to.

Then again, that’s the exciting part too. I’m a new woman. This is a new start. I just can’t believe how fast it’s come along. I guess my only option is to just let the adventure begin…

Sorry ya’ll! I didn’t mean to go missing like that. I had quite an eventful weekend.

I haven’t felt like “myself” since I returned to Nashville after Christmas. I was in a funk that I just couldn’t shake, no matter what I did. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t see any of my friends. I mostly just slept.

So Friday at work, I got a bug and decided I was going to just get in the car and drive. I left work, got in the car, and left town with nothing but the clothes on my back. I did stop at one point to grab a sweatshirt and some snacks for the road, but otherwise, I just went.

I’ve never done something so impulsive in my life. It felt so good. Ten hours in a car by yourself is also a good way to clear your head and get your thoughts in order too.

My amazing friend Erica stayed up with me all night checking in to make sure I was safe all along the way. (How lucky am I to have friends like that!?)

I got to Erie around 3 a.m. I’ve never been so happy to see that town in my entire life.

I spent the weekend with friends and family. I got to celebrate my grandfather’s 73rd birthday with him. Most importantly, my batteries feel entirely recharged and suddenly I feel like I can tackle the world again. It was just what the doctor ordered.

I can hardly even begin to explain how excited I am to be going home tomorrow. This will be the first major holiday that I’ve spent with my family in three years!

I spent the afternoon yesterday packing. I hate packing. I’m an obsessive list-maker, so I always start out pretty well. I’m great at following my list and remembering to pack things like my cellphone charger and toothbrush, but when it comes down to the clothes, I just get lazy and start throwing things in the suitcase left and right.

…which is why I end up back home northwestern Pennsylvania in 30-degree weather with only t-shirts to wear…

My mother made the point of reminding me to pack warmer clothes this time, and I think I did better. I guess we’ll see when I get up there and realize that while I have plenty of sweaters, I have no pants. (That would be like me…)

This time tomorrow I’ll be sitting at the airport waiting for my flight. I’ll be getting there super-early because Nick is dropping me off on his way to work. I don’t mind; I kind of love spending the entire day in the airport. I know that sounds crazy. But it gives me an entire day of uninterrupted knitting and/or reading time where I can’t possibly feel guilty for doing nothing but reading or knitting. If I were at home, I’d feel bad, like I should be doing laundry or cleaning or something. Not so at the airport! I’m stranded with nothing better to do than enjoy a book or knit on a project and there’s positively no guilt in that!

I’ll try to update my Twitter and my Flickr pages while I’m gone. Hope everyone has a very happy Thanksgiving holiday!