Let’s Be Honest…

I’m exhausted. I’m emotional. I’m ashamed. I’m kind of a wreck. October has been a rough month for me and I am more than ready for it to be over.

This move has been taking it out of me. If you’ve ever moved with young children, BLESS YOU. Moving when you have kids is a whole new ballgame for me, and not one I was prepared for. Trying to pack boxes when you have a toddler diving into them and unpacking them at the same time is just ridiculous.

On top of that, our last moves over the past 5 years have been downsizing each time, and I never took the time to really go through things like I should have. Instead, I just stacked things in boxes in the basement or garage. I’m paying for that now. I knew our basement leaked, but mistakenly put some things in areas I THOUGHT were dry. Wrong — two desks and my Wacom tablet, destroyed. China cabinet with black mold on the legs (eek!). Just a mess.

Plus, just … STUFF. I am so over STUFF. It’s not an entirely bad thing though – it resulted in a 10-foot U-Haul worth of stuff going to the Salvation Army. (*Cleansing breaths*)

I’m juggling what feels like a small army of contractors and help right now too. I’m hired a cleaning lady at the old house because it was just easier than finding a baby sitter. (Not to mention, I’m getting tired of leaving Myles so much – I miss him!) Our lease also requires the carpets to be professionally cleaned every six months, so I’m having that done for the final time as well. Then at the new house, we’re having a tree service cut down and trim a few trees in our back yard, and we have a contractor coming to hook up our refrigerator’s water/ice-maker and fix a cracked cement step by our door. I’m really glad everything is getting done in a timely fashion but – WHEW – it’s a lot to handle all at once.

Honestly, I’m feeling inadequate and insecure over the whole thing. I feel like people are looking at me like there’s something wrong with me because I couldn’t just pack and get moved out in a weekend. I’m ashamed it’s taken me longer, and I am ashamed I’ve had to ask so many people for help. I have friends and family reassuring me that it’s OKAY — but sometimes despite all that, it’s hard not to feel like a failure. I feel like there’s something wrong with me and I feel guilty about how hard I’ve been leaning on others for help.


But despite everything, there have been rays of sunshine this October that have made it all worth it: I love our new home. It’s tiny and there are boxes everywhere right now. But I love it. It’s HOME. We had friends over for dinner. We carved jack-o-lanterns in the kitchen. The kids play and run in the yard and the pets have settled in too.

It’s all coming along, and it will all be worth it — but oh my. I don’t want to move again for a long, LONG time.


Dear Myles (18 months)

Myles, 18 months // Life In Beta

Today, Myles, you turn 18 months old. I look at you and can’t believe I’ve been a mother for a year and a half now. I’m constantly trying to savor every moment of your fleeting baby and toddlerhood. I’m proud and excited to see the little boy you’re going to grow into, but at the same time, I’m mourning the little baby I knew. Parenthood, I’m learning, is simultaneously rewarding and heartbreaking.

People comment about your beautiful head of hair all the time. You’re sometimes mistaken for a little girl, with your beautiful curls, but we don’t have the heart to cut them off. Your smiles melt hearts and your laughter is infectious. It’s pretty hard to discipline you sometimes because your mischievous grin kills me.

Myles, 18 months // Life In Beta

You’re still a man of very few words, Myles. We’re anxious for you to talk. Your big brother was an early-talker, so everyone had the same expectation for you. I don’t mind that your words are pretty much limited to “Mama”, “Dada”, “kitty” and “ball”. I know you’ll talk our ears off when you’re good and ready, and I’m very excited for the stories you’re going to tell us!

Despite not having many words at your disposal, you always manage to get your point across. You climb up on any toy that will hold you, and you wave your arms dramatically and babble at the top of your lungs, as if you’re on a soapbox addressing your constituents. You’re incredibly funny and delight in making people laugh. If you stumble and someone smiles or giggles, you get up and purposely perform more fake trips and falls to entertain the room.

Myles, 18 months // Life In Beta

You still love to cuddle right now, though sometimes you’re too busy to sit that still. (I’m trying to enjoy this while it lasts; I know it won’t be much longer till you won’t want to cuddle your old momma any more…) You adore the cat (he has mixed feelings about you) and like to climb on and generally harass the dog. Your favorite show is Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood and you get really excited, clapping and squealing whenever it comes on television. You have a lot of favorite toys, but your most favorites right now are probably a stuffed “Lady” dog (from Lady and the Tramp) that Pappy gave you and your ride-on Mickey Mouse fire truck. You also love to stack blocks and march around the house in mommy and daddy’s shoes. You’re really good at pointing out your nose, eyes, ears, hair, and belly. Your favorite food is still broccoli — if I can get you to eat nothing else, broccoli is always a safe bet! (I hope you always stay that way, loving vegetables the way you do now!)

This month, as you turn a year and a half old, we’re moving out of your first childhood home — the home you were born in. It could never have been our “forever” home, and I knew that, but it’s still heartbreaking to close the door on the place where you were born and grew from an infant to a busy toddler. I have lots of photos I’ll save for you, and someday when you’re grown up, I hope we can stop by that house and ask whomever is living there if we could peek into their living room. (Imagine how surprised they’ll be when we tell them you were born in a swimming pool in the corner of their living room!)

Myles, 18 months // Life In Beta

Your mom is a terribly, terribly sentimental woman, Myles. (I’m sorry.) But hopefully the positive side of that is that you’ll never have any doubt how very much I love you. Part of me wishes I could just freeze time because how could I ever love you and enjoy your companionship any more than I do RIGHT NOW? But then I think: I felt that same way 6 months ago, a year ago, and on the day you were born. Every day I love you to the moon and back, and as you grow up, I hope we’ll always be close and the best of friends, mother and son.

(Just don’t hurry with that whole growing up thing TOO fast. Your poor momma’s heart can’t take any rush.)

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Where We’re At: The In-Between

I’m always cautious to wish away time. All too often, we (myself included) get caught up in thinking about what comes NEXT instead of appreciating NOW.

However, I can honestly with all my heart say I’m ready for October to be OVER.

Don't hurry, don't worry. // Life In Beta

We’re currently in limbo between the old house and the new house. We’re staying in the new house; all of our furniture and the “necessities” (clothes, kitchen stuff, etc.) are there, but half of it is still in boxes and hard to find. Then there’s the old house whose contents need sorted into keep/sell/donate/toss designations. (I have too much stuff.) It’s all a GOOD thing, but it’s also stressful in the in-between, and unfortunately the result is that I haven’t had much brain-power left to devote to blogging (or freelance, or fun…)

In other news…

The drama of the new hot water tank continues.

The short version is this: We needed a hot water tank and decided to replace both it and the holding tank (we have well water) at the same time. A job that was supposed to take one day took three because with it being an old house with old plumbing, some things needed some creative retrofitting. Then the replacement hot water tank had a bad part that was causing the “hot” water to be only barely lukewarm. The plumber had to order a replacement part, and once installed he discovered the replacement part was ALSO defective. We’re now on the replacement-for-the-replacement part, and FINALLY things appear to be working properly. I hope.

Myles thinks wood floors are the beesknees.

Seriously. This kid cracks me up.

Watching his delight at being able to slip and slide all over the floor simultaneously gives me grey hairs AND takes me back to being a kid, loving to do the same exact thing. (And no doubt giving my mother grey hairs in the process as well.)

Living in the “country” is a change.

We’re really only a few miles off a main street with every store imaginable, but it feels like we’re a world away. I’m used to living in the city with lots more traffic and street lights. Nights at the new house are DARK and QUIET. Now that it’s too cold for crickets at night, it’s really REALLY quiet. It doesn’t give me the creeps, but it is an adjustment.

It’s also an adjustment to not have a Dollar General two blocks down the road whenever I need something randomly (ya know – milk, bread, toilet paper, cleaning supplies). The new house is close to lots of stores, but not walking-distance or late-night-on-a-whim distance. I actually have to plan my shopping trips a little more (or be willing to pay exorbitant prices at the closest convenience store – pfft). But that’s not really a bad thing either. Just different.

I’m running on fumes.

That’s probably the toughest part right now. I’m living off coffee (mmm… coffee…) and just trying to get by. I’m seriously considering hibernating the first two weeks of November to catch up.

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