Life in Beta

I haven’t known quite how to approach this topic and I’ve been avoiding it for quite some time. I’ve probably danced around it, referring to my (soon-to-be) ex-husband as everything but “my ex”. (What do you say when you still live together, still get along for the most part, but are in the end-stages of divorce and finding new living arrangements?)

Perhaps it would be easier if there was hatred in my heart toward him? Then I could have referred to him as “that big jerk that lives with me” or something. But that’s just not the case; I’ll always care about him and consider him a friend.

Sometimes things just don’t work out and you find that it’s better if you both go your separate ways. Such was the case for us. We dated for over seven years and were married for just over two, thus spending the better part of ten years of our lives together. However, we also sadly grew apart in those ten years, and became very different people with very different beliefs, priorities, and interests. Neither he nor I were “right” or “wrong” in those things — just entirely different and completely incompatible.

I never believed at the age of (almost) 28 that I’d have been married and divorced. I didn’t “believe” in divorce, having grown up with parents who have been married almost 30 years now and have stuck through it in thick and thin. I somehow always thought I was “better” than all the couples who couldn’t make it work and that they just didn’t try hard enough.

I’ve come to find out that really is only a small part of the equation.

Divorce is hard. That’s one thing that I never realized. Even after you decide it’s over and that it’s best to part ways, it still hurts. Even when you’re angry and feel like throwing things and screaming, it’s still painful. There’s guilt and tears and fighting and entire families have their hearts broken. Guilt and shame threaten to pull you under.

But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I was lucky to have a lot of strong, fantastic women (both friends and family) in my life who reminded me of that. They listened to me cry and listened to my rages. They offered support and love. I don’t know what I’d have done without them — you all know who you are.

So, very soon I’ll be finding myself single again with huge life changes ahead of me. It’s both extremely exciting and a little bit scary. However, I’m eager to get started on this next chapter of life. I learned a lot in my early- and mid-twenties and I’m really happy with the direction my life is going when it comes to friends, family and career. My life from this moment becomes an adventure and I have nothing to hold me back. I’m off to start the trek.

If you have it in your hearts, please send good thoughts and prayers to my ex. He truly deserves the best, better than what I could give him, and I wish him well too. I’ll always love him and always treasure the memories of the good times we had together.